Bare with me if you are reading here - I am typing under the fog of cold medicine as I am feeling a little bit under the weather. I know that there are about 400 different things I should be doing right now rather than sitting here at the computer typing away, but I lack the motivation to get up and actually get anything done. And then Mz. Snooty Cat comes and curls up beside me...how can I disturb this cat that has been making me C R A Z Y lately to go and clean dishes just because my human family needs silverware, I ask you? Exactly.
I am in a funk. I feel like my life is at a crossroads and I need to choose - turn to the left...turn to the right.... or go straight ahead. I know so many people who are having problems lately in their marriages or with their kids or their aging parents or their finances. People who are doing everything that they can humanly do to try to hold everything together. It made me think of an article I read once about fashion photo shoots and how they'll use fishing line, duct tape, staples ... anything to give the projection that everything in the image is PERFECT all while we can't see what's going on behind them. Ever feel that way? Like you're holding everything together just so and once the cameras go off you can finally be yourself?
I think I'm a very genuine person. I'm not perfect and I never try to relay to people that I am anywhere near perfection. I'm a great confidante though - I do not share what others tell me. I try to do whatever I can for others with the limited resources that I have available. I will drop whatever I am doing to come to the aide of someone who has a need. But I'm also not a martyr. There are times when I don't want to answer the phone. I don't want to be the 'go to' person. There are times when I want to sit back and drown in whatever is going on in my own life. I think everyone will admit that they have days when they feel that way. You can't be happy all the time. The world is not made up of rainbows and happy meals. People get sick. Loved ones leave. Paths change. Dreams don't always become our reality. People will disappoint you. Beauty fades. You've got to find your own way ... no matter how scary that path might be.
My own personal crossroads is somewhere that I have been faltering around lately. Imagine if you will that I am driving around in circles - not sure which way to go. Here in a lot of our cute little southern towns there are 'squares' where you can turn to go north, south, east or west - or you can continue to circle around the middle (usually a park or courthouse). I'm circling the courthouse trying to figure out where my path is supposed to take me. When I think I've found my path, there's usually a road crew down the path and a new detour to take. It makes me ask myself the following questions. What am I doing with my life? Is this my life's purpose? Did I somehow take the wrong turn way back there and if so, how do I get back to where I should be? Where do I go now? What if it's a mistake?
I guess the heart of the matter is this: While I strive to be a good person, in my heart of hearts, I reflect on my faults and disappointments in my life and I wonder where I would be today if the events that lead me here had never occurred. You know the expression, let go ... and let God well I am great about saying that to others, but I'm not so good at following that little bit of advice. These days I worry about a lot of stuff. I worry about my daughter as she grows older.I worry about my husband's health. I worry about my own. I worry about my parents. I worry about my friends that I know are unhappy. I worry about money.
But in the mist of my worrying today, I was listening to the radio this morning after I dropped The Bug off at school and someone was paraphrasing a verse from Proverbs. This is what they said- Do your best, prepare for the worst and give God all the glory. So at the heart of the matter is this - I need to prepare for the best. Be prepared for the worst. And realize that God is in control. No He won't always give me the things that I pray for. But in what He does give me, I am to give glory to Him. It actually reminds me of something that I learned this weekend with Beth Mooore - how sometimes God doesn't give us the desires of our hearts but rather He looks at the heart of our desire. I post more about that later. The medicine is kicking in and I am getting sleepy.